May the words here assist someone, if not in a good way,
at least to make them know how it is not supposed to be done.
-----
It was in 1993 when things started to look bad between my parents.
I wanted to die(and this desire was strong inside of me until
I was able to be independent in the physical and also in the
imaterial world after 2013).
Having video games relieved only a small part of my pain.
-----
Having a friend named Mr. Watch. Old home.
Passing from one window to the other.
Playing MSX games.
Losing my father. Crying so much about being given
so much responsability while on fifth grade.
Deciding not to care about anything ever again.
Having two friends. Mayo and JJ.
Deciding to stay with JJ after a verbal fight.
JJ goes to another school while I am on eight grade.
When I enter high school I find Mr. Asian.
Then Bouncer. With him I get to know the holy herb.
It was lunch time. We could leave the military school.
We hanged out around his place. There was more people with us.
His friend warned me not to change how I talked with my parents.
I did not have a father anymore and the woman that was left
only cared about her own interests. But I did not tell them that.
For some strange reason it was the happiest moment in my life.
Right after we started walking back to school...
I felt the need to smile. But I thought that it was kinda silly.
So I just hid my feelings like I always did.
One day I told him that I had a bottle in my living room.
We skipped school some other day to drink.
I just took it. It was like being alive for the first time.
I could tell Bouncer that I was feeling my blood inside of my veins.
I was not sure if he could understand how a child could be
so perceptive.
One day I started to talk to them about the third eye of the mind.
They did not seem to understand a word.
One day we were walking after smoking in a safe place.
I was going to faint. My backpack was so heavy.
All I could do was put my arms over my friends necks.
One to each side.
They sat me down. One of them bought some candy.
I ate it. For some reason it worked.
Bouncer was scared about what could happen to me if
I was to be around after we used the herb.
He did not want to be my friend anymore.
I was feeling lonely again, but this time with hope.
It was possible to be happy in life. It was possible to live.
I started doing some cool stuff. Brought lighters to class.
Some aerosol alcohol-based deodorant spray.
My colleagues loved it. They set trash on fire outside of school.
At night.
I was invited to join the Firefighters club by the President.
He was the President. I felt so honored.
They were all people from my fifth grade classroom.
What luck. We had so much fun together in the years to come.
My uncle was storing dozens of alcohol bottles inside of my
apartment. I say my apartment because my father left it to
me and my two older brothers. He was mom's brother.
The name of the brand was Pincaju.
I started smuggling little bottles to school.
Teacher. But Teacher was not really a teacher. He just acted like a teacher and really enjoyed them bottles.
Around this time I started entering the world wide web.
After connecting to a BBS here and there with a 14kbps modem.
Got some porn. Games. Chatted with the administrator of
Brazuca BBS once.
TBA Internet. One of the older brothers got a login at school.
At the beginning all we did was connect to join IRC channels.
There was a channel for our school. The three of us attended to
the same.
Zeley Mobile was public relations along with Teacher.
Gogo Five and I took care of treasury.
The Vice President was the vice president.
Wooden stick fights near the TV Tower after reading a story
from some norwegian musician and offering the practice to Teacher.
It was very fun to meet before entering school. Before 6 am.
Changing clothes in public bathrooms.
We called the meeting spots batlocals.
One day I just wanted to see how their classes were at
some preparing school for the three year tests that
allowed students to skip the original admission tests
that the University of Brasilia had.
It was some brand new way of entering university.
I talked about those classes at home.
My friends had a big surprise when my name was called
while I was attending to my first class without
ever registering for them. I also did not expect that.
Drinking wine while skipping school on high school's last year.
Dreaming about actually having a girlfriend at the same time.
Soon realising that it was going to be impossible and
deciding to live a solitary life.
Going to Ms. Che Rube's home. Meeting Long Hair and she was a girl. Almost sleeping in the
same room as her once. I was a male so I did not care about
accepting the joke solution of sleeping in her closet then
being kicked out of her home.
They called me strange. I felt so honored to having any label
by someone so beautiful. At least I was noticed.
Getting a high school degree. Deciding to stay in my bedroom
until I found out a way to free myself from the pain
of being alone and desiring a father or a friend
to respect and show my honor to.
My high school friends where studying at some place called bIlal.
Having the first kiss. Remembering myself about it everyday.
About how warm her tongue was inside of my mouth.
And how I enjoyed feeling hers with my own.
Teacher was around. He was a veteran already.
Not anything like the boy that cried to drag Frenchie the Girl's attention
below a building while we skipped classes that were supposed
to prepare us for the three year tests that would
allow entrance to the University of Brasilia.
Writing a letter of about thirty lines to the girl.
Saving a copy for myself to never forget about that moment.
Delivering it on my bike to the guy that took care of
her building's entrance.
Reading some books to try to overcome her lack of interest.
Watching a guy with bleached hair having so much success
with an extremely beautiful girl because he was a musician.
Asking for an electric guitar. Starting to play it.
Meeting Ninja. A guy that represented a lot
of what I wanted to be in the future. He had ten years more
than I did. Ten years have passed since we first met.
----
A trip to Florianopolis with high school friends.
They were already studying Economics in the University of Brasilia.
Zeley Mobile was studying to be a veterinarian.
-----
Second kiss. It was not that important anymore.
I have traveled to Itajai to meet Ms. Saints. She had blue eyes,
I think. She was quite beautiful. I enjoyed a lot
talking to her. After coming back home and calling her fat
she just said that I died to her. It was fine.
It was not going to work out.
It was my first trip alone. The guy that sat next to me was
from Rio. A very interesting man.
The bus was not going to enter the city.
I was in complete darkness. Saw some lights in the horizon.
Ran towards them. Hit some concrete block in the middle of the road.
I fell. But I had some ninja senses and did not get hurt.
Used a public payphone. Called Ms. Saints. I told her that I was going
to find the hotel where my reservation was made.
The guy inside of the hotel did not want to allow me inside.
I walked around the city. Found some taxis.
Hit his window. He woke up.
Told him that I wanted a cheap place to stay at.
He did a good job.
While inside of this hotel I wrote so many things
that I felt like discovering the secret to turn any metal
into gold.
I went to some lan house and played a first person shooter.
Ms. Saints showed me something that looked like a professional
music training session. It was quite interesting.
I then called the same taxi driver.
Mr. Pole was very kind and did a great job.
On my way back the neighbor inside of the bus was some sort of hippie.
He talked about how Brasil had cheap old technology.
About his third level degree. It was about physical fitness.
Before going to Itajai Ms. Saints was very jealous of Fields.
She kissed Teacher first. Then me. She had more experience
than both of us. She spoke french and lived in Sao Paulo
before coming to Brasilia.
I invited Fields to run at the Water Eyes Park.
She was curious to see how I progressed.
She was not impressed.
A trip to Pirenopolis. There I forgot where we were staying at.
I sat on some stone staircase. A girl sat beside me.
No words were spoken. It was a cool moment.
She then left.
I tried to call Vice President's father from a public payphone.
He gave me some information.
But I was too shy to tell him that I was lost.
Morning came.
I then decided to attend to a church meeting. Evangelic church.
It was sunday. I was the only guy inside.
The preacher showed up. Made his speech. It was interesting.
I had money to get back home. So I asked someone
about the nearest bus stop.
My friends gave me my backpack after we met in Brasilia once again.
Meeting CG in some spaceships game online.
She was a natural blonde.
She wanted to sell her electric guitar in order to pay
for my trip to her city. I knew that it was not worth it.
So I said no.
Long Hair later left a comment on my blog. Maybe she did not
forgive herself for leaving it. "of killing".
She was in London.
It was after my text that said "Happy Happy Joy Joy"
with a picture of a first person shooter game.
Two words were the only thing necessary for me to never
forget about her.
She was one of the most beautiful girls even on high school
when she still had some extra weight. I also did.
After some messages exchanged via email she knew that I was
very curious about her trip to Europe.
Mr. Angst invited me to some car trips around the city.
It was pretty fun. My old friends from the Firefighter's club
had decided to abandon me.
One day Ms. Zeni from school invited me to her birthday party.
There I met Mr. Asian again. And Mr. Bluemagician. His father
killed his mother with a gun then killed himself while we
were on high school. He took everything like a grown man.
Then he took a plane to Australia.
At that same party I met Ms. Axe. She was pretty cute.
Ms. Zeni knew that I was interested in her and arranged some
meetings.
One day Ms. Zeni needed a place to house her friend from
Sao Paulo. Chainbreaker was a niilist. He slept here for some days
and gave me a great book about atheism. I have learned so much
from this book that mom just took it someday and pretended that
it never existed.
It was like finally having the strongest chain that kept
my own thoughts from appearing inside of my brain, broken.
I knew that it was related to the friend that
was ten years older than me. People did not like him.
But I knew that he had skills that I would never stop
trying to mimic.
A trip to the northeast.
I took the wheel a lot of times. Had my license.
Three great months of fun.
There I met family members and Albino Girl.
It seemed that she was the whitest girl in town.
Almost albino. After having some protected fun inside of
mom's car I invited her to my place a couple of times
but she did not want to come. So I decided to end
our relationship by phone.
Had good times with my cousin Frog Killer. Also with Joseph.
Great people.
There I let Frog Killer drive. Joseph park the car.
I knew what I was doing.
Some old guy died while I was there.
He never wanted to talk to me, so I could not care less about him.
Maybe he could not talk. He was very scared.
If it is possible to save him somehow after his death...
May the Subspacian religion assist him into achieving
eternal life in the best possible way.
Drank a lot of water filled with mosquitoes eggs.
Maybe I experienced dengue.
Had my first bathtub bath.
My room had an air conditioner.
Coming back to Brasilia. Meeting Frenchie. This time she asked for
unprotected sex. I was very honored but had to say
"I am not doing this for you or myself, I am doing this to both
of us."(so we dont get any disease, and... early children) and used the condom.
Meeting Yellow Girl online. She just sent me a message out of nowhere
in an old social networking site.
She was a natural blonde.
We decided to meet at a bar. A funny guy asked me for money
while I was walking near a parking lot.
I gave him two brazilian reals. He just said
"but this is a bill!". That was a cool individual.
I was drinking some white wine when Yellow Girl showed up.
She was more beautiful than in the photos.
We talked about so many things.
Then I took her hand and did a massage.
There was no turning back.
We walked down the street until we found a bench.
It was a great kiss. We did that many times.
She was living in an apartment near her job. She was a secretary.
There was another girl living with her. She worked with mom.
What a surprise. This girl also told mom about my behaviour.
How I talked about inserting the cane into a woman,
right after her words about some gospel music.
It was so damn funny. But that led to the end of my relationship
with Yellow Girl.
There were also two brothers living in the same apartment.
The four of them were from the same city. Little Brasilia.
What a nice name for a city. I had never heard of it before.
Yellow Girl invited me to build a church along with some Bapthists
from the United States. I felt so honored.
She showed me to her aunt first. This aunt was a hairdresser.
I was accepted.
The southern americans were nice people. Always talking about God.
One of them was in Europe during World War II. How interesting.
After translating that a guy working on a bench did not have time
to care about his toe wound I told them that brazilians were
lazy people. The girl just said that it was cultural and I
agreed.
Father Ninja Turtle gave me a nice speech about how you must trust God
without having any physics knowledge and sitting on a chair
knowing that it would support the weight. It was inspiring.
But it may also be the fact that when you do not have any
body balance skill your brain adjusts itself to receive some
unknown signal and move your muscles in a way that will not
make anything break.
Yellow Girl's mother was black! What a surprise.
I invited one of the brothers living in that apartment to
practice some skating. It was fun.
I also tried to teach Yellow Girl how to drive a car inside of
the military school's parking lot. She did well.
One day Yellow Girl's friend came to Brasilia. She was an actress.
I dragged her to the University of Brasilia, where
my old friends studied. But they were already avoiding me.
It was cool anyway. We also watched a movie about love
in one of the two brother's friend apartment.
He was an english teacher.
Meeting Ms. Zeni and Axe. I told Long Hair to show up at the same day.
I just wanted to see how things were going to work out.
Chainbreaker was also present. I have never talked so much
around other people before.
Ms. Zeni slaps me on the face in front of everyone.
I guess that I was mocking her lack of courage too much.
It was fun. She later became a zen girl.
Chainbreaker and Ms. Zeni vanished.
I bought a rose for Axe and told her that men were like dogs.
She got the message.
Long Hair showed up trying to dance on an arcade machine.
Her perfume was stronger than a mermaid's voice, but I
was ready for it.
We went to a karaoke bar by Long Hair's suggestion.
Hideout was the name.
She showed some of her vocal skills.
I had none but tried to impress everyone singing a song
that I have never heard before and creating new
sound patterns, my guess, above the lyrics.
Axe was trying to have fun. She was a beginner.
Then I was sure that she did not want to see me anymore.
Neither did Long Hair. I have the skill of pretending to be
much more than what I actually am before a real meeting.
I was learning to drink. The trip to the northeast was
not one hundred percent great. Mom was cheating on her
current boyfriend. Her lover was in our car when we
traveled there. Her boyfriend asked me about this
and I thought that the right thing to do was
to tell him the truth. Even though I hated the man I would
not enjoy being in such a situation.
Her lover worked in the government's health section.
He gave her lots of strong drugs.
She put them into my food.
I was drinking so much at the time.
Visited my friends at Vice President's home.
Things were a little out of control.
I was a little desperate.
I paid a visit to my father at his workplace.
I do not think that he had any idea of what was going on
or how to assist me at it.
I sent him an email after I found some papers about mom's
vengeance. I was so drugged that it was impossible to
know what they meant. But I knew it was something bad.
It was useless to try to fight. All I could do was wait
for the worse.
The middle brother showed how much he hated me.
So did mom and her lover.
They tried to put me away for good.
It was obvious that nothing was wrong with me.
In two weeks I was out of that druggie's house.
I am sure that my friends got some calls from mom.
None of them told me anything.
I was left alone in my bedroom. Trying to reach some sort of
transcendence. A way to have a good memory.
A way to never let my guard down again.
I was forced to get my third level degree.
The name of the course was Digital Gaming.
Nothing was worth listening to or reading.
Two teachers were quite good.
An asian dude and a guy that knew a lot about networking.
I have lost around six years of my life in that prison.
I do not know who paid for it.
I was first place in the admission tests.
I was able to avoid getting the actual diploma.
I was also forced to work.
The pay was two hundred brazilian reals a month.
At least I was allowed to keep that money.
The owner of the computer store had a debt with mom.
She assisted him when he needed someone to back him up
while he was buying or renting some real state.
I was able to create an Extracorporeal Manual.
Then I worked at some meat store.
We had to prepare the books to deliver them on bus stops, for free.
I was paid around ten brazilian reals a day.
It was quite interesting.
I had a great idea of renting a room inside of my apartment.
The middle brother wanted one hundred percent of the money obtained.
I basically told him to go fuck himself.
He was already so rich that it was a clear bully move.
A friend from high school found me by accident on a game and we had
a nice meeting. Brazil's President was on television that day.
Mr. Hairs. He was at Mr. Angst's place at the moment.
Mr. Angst said that he wanted to eat something and left.
I guess that it was because he owed me twenty brazilian reals.
The only friend from high school to ever try to contact me shows up
on another social network. He wanted to convert me to his church.
It was fun. I even took a bus with him to a place where whoever
slept was going to wake up chained to Jesus. I was not able to
rest that night. On the second day some preacher was babbling
so much nonsense that I had to talk back to him.
Some people knew what I was talking about. I was just showing
everyone that his words were false.
Then I got up from my chair and left.
I hope that Mr. Pimbola did not have a big deception.
I did visit that church again to give them some money.
The Subspacian religion was created and that church gave us
the initial protection and information that I needed to
make my own.
I showed the piece of paper to Mr. Pimbola.
I am sure that he did not understand half of it.
One day he invited his cousin to come to the church with us.
He rode motorcycles until an accident made he lose all
movement on his right arm.
This was a sign. I knew I had to give that church some money.
Ten percent of my earnings that year went to them.
On december of the same year my older brother shows up in our
apartment. He tells me that he wants to take me to a mental
institution. I was totally cornered.
His wife, our cousin, is quite evil as well.
I pretend to accept my fate.
I walk into my room. Lock my door. I knew that it was impossible
to lose my only possession in the whole world. My home.
I try to stay silent. He starts knocking at the door.
I kick it with all my strength. It stops him for a couple of seconds.
He starts knocking again. It was the last information I needed to
know that it was the end. I open the window with the most force
that I have ever applied to it in my life.
I put my right foot on the wall. I mentally ask the only
individual that I had any trust on if I really have to do it.
Yes seems to be the right answer. I jump.
After my body had no more connection with the building everything
went black. No sounds. No feelings. No pain. Everything was gone.
Maybe I was going to rest. Maybe I was not going to have to
avoid talking to my older brothers and listen to evil words anymore.
Maybe my mother was not going to be able to terrorize me ever again.
I wake up in an ambulance. I can still breathe. I can still blink.
I keep blinking twice like in my Extracorporeal Manual.
I have always promised myself that if I was ever to lose any movement
in my body, I would rather die. For some reason that thought
did not even cross my mind. I was just feeling the sensations
that I had when I was watching the presentation of the game
that Mr. Epic gifted me a couple of days before.
I sleep again. I wake up on some hospital bed.
I can move my body. All I can think about is some zombie
infestation program that I made sometime before this happened.
I try to untie my arms from the bed. I free my right arm.
Some nurse comes by and ties it up one more time.
I am transferred to another place. After the bed starts moving
I black out.
I sleep for so many days. My breathing is messed up.
It does not matter. I can only think about fleeing from all
the terror. Even inside of my brain they show up.
I never feel any pain.
Mom finally shows up. It's a private hospital this time.
Maybe she mentally accepted to leave me alone.
Lots of nurses. Doctors. Everyday. Exams.
One of them catches my attention. He calls me by my name and surname.
He has tattoos on his arms. I can feel that he is a nice guy.
He brings me a picture of a great guitarrist.
This man knows what he is doing.
My uncle visits me with my female cousin. I remember mentally
talking to them before the inevitable accident.
I can not tell them about it. They show their respect and leave.
The older brothers have the courage to show up.
They do not talk about their plan.
It is obvious that they want to sell the apartment.
I still do not get what makes people with so much still want more.
A situation that I have also seen before the accident shows up.
A distant relative takes me for a walk on the sun.
This psychologist is from my family. She is a good girl.
A doctor shows up after I mentally agree with giving him a lot
of money someday.
I try to talk to him in symbols.
The game of the eleven. I mean eleven thousand brazilian reals.
He seems to agree. He shows me his son the day after.
He saves my right arm.
I stay at mom's boyfriend's place for a year. The same guy
that was cheated on.
They decide to give me a chance to go back to my apartment.
The middle brother has the courage to show up, once.
Maybe he just wanted a good laugh.
Creating my own religion. The point is not to make people
interested in it. It is about teaching people to
take care of themselves. While inside of both worlds.
